My 12th Winter


Arrived in St.Louis yesterday, it feels like ages that I had a winter. The winters that really stood out in my life, is the one when I went to Japan in 98 when Mariah Carey’s 94 ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You track was hot everywhere during my visit.

It was my first sensation of my skin being in true winter. Nagoya was lovely. Japan was actually amazing, I was in tears on the last day I was there. 6 weeks I think. Homestay with Japanese homestay parents. They were this old couple that could barely spoke English but treated me as I was their own grandson.

The 2nd winter that really stood out was 17th Dec 2004 the evening I landed in Los Angeles, the day I migrated to America from Malaysia. The following day my mum brought me to Costco on Washington. The cold breeze from the parking lot was a significant one in my life. Next week it will be 12yrs Ive arrived in America, been trying to be in the moment and as present as possible whenever I can or when I catch myself. Remembering how the breeze felt like and how grateful I was when I first landed many years ago.

I havent had winter in a few years, the last couple of years Ive spent at least a month or two during LA winters in Asia and one year I was in South America.

And today Im in Missouri experiencing the winter, however I took a fall at the gym after only getting an hour ish of practice. A fall trying to climb higher to get a better angle to film myself for study. Aahh well.

9bot @ Manhattan Beach


One thing I knew I was going to get is the reset button coming back from Malaysia. Just being in Malaysia reminds me why I came to the States in the first place. Malaysia is a nice place to live its just hard if you are trying to go for a higher quality of life, the country is poor so with the currency, 1usd = 4.5rm (Ringgit). That means it literally will take you almost 5 times as long to buy anything, from an iPhone to a car or a pair of Nikes.

I think its also easy for us to get caught up in a loop, in a routine, in our head, not in a routine, chasing the next big thing and all sudden time zooms by and more importantly we lose sight of what we have. The air we breathe, the health we have, and the opportunity of life itself.

So today after practicing at the gym like my usual days, I decided to go to explore a beach that I rarely been, I was gonna go Redondo Beach but I ended up at Manhattan Beach. It was quite an excellent time, a few hours went by just like that. I was zipping up and down on the sand on my 9bot till I end up running out of power. The 9bot is really heavy (30lbs) so I decided to call an Uber to get me to my car. The whole time while I was on the 9bot, the feeling was quite magical, all the memories of me first landing here in LA 12yrs ago came back, it was almost like the sense of gratitude and the sensitivity to the air was higher..

It was a beautiful day.

33yrs & 7days old

nov30thIts been a while since I actually wrote a blog. I think its quite a privilege in this era of time with the internet we can keep logs of our thoughts like a time capsule.

Once in a while I go back to my old blog, I had one on Xanga before I moved to the United States and once I got to states I moved over to blogspot, cant remember why.

The sucky part is sites like Friendster and Xanga just went away and took all the pictures and posts with them. Also sites like multiply went down as well. So all the pictures that I took from the beginning years when I got here to America is all gone.

Crazy part is exactly 10yrs ago in 2006, I think I just started blogspot.

Nov 30th picture from the gym hours. Its crazy what my life has evolve into.

well i guess it aint too bad . afterall . didnt do much . on d countdown . watching tv at steve’s place . just d 3 of us . him ,me n my baby girl . we were watching d new york countdown 3hrs ago . i think or i wanna go there for d 2007 countdown . well it aint too bad . had some beer . d next day . dat is today, we had lunch with billie n aiko . nice good chinese food, after that went back to steven’s place . watched cinderella man . decent movie . then it was raining cats n dogs in LA . so went back to my mum’s place . had a nice dinner .. lobsters .. 2lbs each . cant complain abt that . had some red wine, champagne . then we sat down to play a game of RISK . its a new game to me . evendoh its been around for ages . its kinda interesting . if u wanna take over d world . mayb u should start practising on this game ..

2006 ..

i guess its a new start afterall ..

few hours before the ending of this year , tot i put a few words b4 it all goes away . everybodys out bz celebrating n waitin for d countdown . happily drinking n waiting for d second  that will bring them a new start , some would b going to d paul van dyke’s rave, some i guess bbq in Kuala Lumpur doh, cz its raining 2nite at Los Angeles . some would b smiling n hugging as the clock ticks down for its final second of 2005 . im truly wondering wats gonna happen in abt 3hrs+ from now . i mean wondering wat will i b doing, where will i be . not even thinking abt few years from now . just wondering n thinking abt 3hrs from now . mayb i should make some plans . i guess thats wat its all abt aint it . afterall … nth comes by accident . everything happens for a reason? sometimes i doubt my own words n theories esp when things goes wrong . envy? i used to b a person who has no envy on anybody else . i used to think i have everything in d world n want everyone want to envy me . to wanna be me . but as i grow into this new age i keep asking myself . why am less n less d man i used to be? why do i envy other ppl? why do i wanna b them? why do i hate my life? why do i want to live their lifes? mayb im just weak, when things changes n when things dont go d way i want it ..

just like crumbling statue .. im crumbling down ..

-// everything changes //-

wat a nice way to end the year . the finale . d last lap . d final blow . its  been 48hrs since i last my wallet . really dumbfounded by it all . baffled too . u name it . my malaysian id, my californian id, my malaysian driving license dat was just extended to 2010 . and all my sweat n blood money, from picking up extra shifts n pickin up plates in d restaurant day by day . eating at d restaurant every single day to save up every single cent to pay for my skool fees . how stupid n careless could i be? i think dats d max i think . 700+usd . gone . just like that, it was an amount of one 2way air ticket back to malaysia, 2 leather jackets, could pay for my car insurance at least near 8mths, could by 14tix to the paul van dyke count down rave, almost 7 pair of bball shoes, could fix my car with that, mayb even add new rims .. speechless . really .i was thinkin abt it so much . i even dreamt i found it . mayb 2 times in a nite’s sleep . if my grandma knew abt this . shed b worried sick . i feel kinda sick inside . i suddenly lost d desire to eat, play ball, watch movies to even smile ..

i guess i need some time to b over it . but . for sure ill remember this for a long long time to come …

wish i could just walk by a river rite now . or a habour like d one in sydney n have an ice cream cone maybe a few sticks of malboro lights n sit there without thinking abt anything . really wanna b in the moment rite now …truly