Its wild so after what transpired the last few months, Ive been reflecting on my past relationships and friendships alot and also on my virtual life. The internet came to my existence the first time when I was 12yrs old circa 1995.
Since then it has become a big part me, and my life, the people I talk to. The people I stay in touch with. Some what of an income too in the last many years. It enabled me to travel to more than 20 something countries with places to stay. Im sure everyone in this world has reap the benefits of this cyber virtual reality. People form relationships online, fall in love, get married, make babies Im sure. But the dark side is also there hence I think I love the show Black Mirror so much. It really is bold and daring and pushes the boundaries and show the other side of this cyber reality.
Its really interesting when you think about it the people we talk to or dont talk to online the relationships and the consistency of communication through a certain period of time, some dissipate, some kinda do but then resurface sporadically from gaps of weeks and some even years. It gives this sense of validity? Communion? A sense of belonging? In some weird way but then its also not really tangible or ‘real’. Its a crazy time we live in and its definitely gonna get weirder as time evolves.
So after the dark incident we set of 14hr journey to get to Black Rock City. My 4th burn and we havent been back there for 5yrs. I posted a short write up on Facebook. Mayan Warrior Art Car pretty much sums up my Burning Man experience. First glimpse I was little offended on how much $ is put in building this giant lazer party machine with 70,000 watts soundsystem. But the 2nd night I fell in love with it dancing with props in my hands under the stars.
The first few days were really hard. I kept staring into space and getting lost in space, replaying play by play everything that went wrong and couldnt understand how I could dealt with it better. But after 3-4 days in, I kinda accepted it as its all meant to be as cliche as that may sound. The odds of Niki’s brother getting admitted into ICU and she had to bail so last minute and all the things that went down. Truly, what are the odds? It has to be fate. It was suppose to go down that way.
After I accepted it for what it was I was able to focus on the things at hand, moment by moment. The person that was in front of me, my wife of 8yrs Jennifer. I was able to hold strong when she would spiral into tears of what has transpired and I was able to sit with her patiently holding her. I was able to focus the moment that was in front of me instead of the loss of what have with Niki.
Now Im back in LA I get hit with glimpses of waves of sadness here and there on the loss of Niki. But I cant help but feel like a wrong because I truly need to focus on what I have and not on what I dont have. I feel I try to reach out to someone to talk to about this but theres not really an answer so when even if anyone try to say something, like stay with Jennifer or pursue Niki, they all seem like wrong or one sided answers. So I decide the best for me is to come home and write, to this blog that no one reads. And it seems to be helping a little. Sorta of a time capsule I can come back look at one day and reflect on my feelings and life.
Aug 22nd, sitting here, hours before leaving for Burning Man. It was a series of unfortunate events that has lead me to here. But Im sure it will unfold, smiles, laughers, tears, sadness, its just part of life.
The night before was probably one of the worst nights of my life. 6-7hours of sadness, anguish, anger. All in the bedroom. She kept spiraling after we came back from the talk of the 3 of us. She looked at my phone, and some reminisce of a text from earlier that day just triggered something inside of her, months and months of lies and betrayal she felt how the two of us were pouring and exploring our emotional intimacy without her. It got to the brink of psychotic, physical and I was just taking it, even offered a huge rock to let her smash it on me. I deserved it in so many ways, I was just being human, tempted by adoration of another woman. I was greedy, I crave the attention of the new. It was exciting to have another person worship my every move. In some ways I felt I was immature and childish as well to give in to those temptations and cause the whole series of incidents to happen. To even not clearing the text she sent me as she poured her heart out to have the reminisce of it so I can look it up one day but that has been the demise and the downfall of it all.
Its quite a huge and intense grief, almost as big when Michelle left. But this part of life, part of the experience. We wake up, and its another day..
Arrived in St.Louis yesterday, it feels like ages that I had a winter. The winters that really stood out in my life, is the one when I went to Japan in 98 when Mariah Carey’s 94 ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You track was hot everywhere during my visit.
It was my first sensation of my skin being in true winter. Nagoya was lovely. Japan was actually amazing, I was in tears on the last day I was there. 6 weeks I think. Homestay with Japanese homestay parents. They were this old couple that could barely spoke English but treated me as I was their own grandson.
The 2nd winter that really stood out was 17th Dec 2004 the evening I landed in Los Angeles, the day I migrated to America from Malaysia. The following day my mum brought me to Costco on Washington. The cold breeze from the parking lot was a significant one in my life. Next week it will be 12yrs Ive arrived in America, been trying to be in the moment and as present as possible whenever I can or when I catch myself. Remembering how the breeze felt like and how grateful I was when I first landed many years ago.
I havent had winter in a few years, the last couple of years Ive spent at least a month or two during LA winters in Asia and one year I was in South America.
And today Im in Missouri experiencing the winter, however I took a fall at the gym after only getting an hour ish of practice. A fall trying to climb higher to get a better angle to film myself for study. Aahh well.
One thing I knew I was going to get is the reset button coming back from Malaysia. Just being in Malaysia reminds me why I came to the States in the first place. Malaysia is a nice place to live its just hard if you are trying to go for a higher quality of life, the country is poor so with the currency, 1usd = 4.5rm (Ringgit). That means it literally will take you almost 5 times as long to buy anything, from an iPhone to a car or a pair of Nikes.
I think its also easy for us to get caught up in a loop, in a routine, in our head, not in a routine, chasing the next big thing and all sudden time zooms by and more importantly we lose sight of what we have. The air we breathe, the health we have, and the opportunity of life itself.
So today after practicing at the gym like my usual days, I decided to go to explore a beach that I rarely been, I was gonna go Redondo Beach but I ended up at Manhattan Beach. It was quite an excellent time, a few hours went by just like that. I was zipping up and down on the sand on my 9bot till I end up running out of power. The 9bot is really heavy (30lbs) so I decided to call an Uber to get me to my car. The whole time while I was on the 9bot, the feeling was quite magical, all the memories of me first landing here in LA 12yrs ago came back, it was almost like the sense of gratitude and the sensitivity to the air was higher..
It was a beautiful day.
Its been a while since I actually wrote a blog. I think its quite a privilege in this era of time with the internet we can keep logs of our thoughts like a time capsule.
Once in a while I go back to my old blog, I had one on Xanga before I moved to the United States and once I got to states I moved over to blogspot, cant remember why.
The sucky part is sites like Friendster and Xanga just went away and took all the pictures and posts with them. Also sites like multiply went down as well. So all the pictures that I took from the beginning years when I got here to America is all gone.
Crazy part is exactly 10yrs ago in 2006, I think I just started blogspot.
Nov 30th picture from the gym hours. Its crazy what my life has evolve into.