nobody said it was fair . depression has hit me hard these couple of days . its d heaviest hit since december . it was d mother of all depression . it hit me so hard . it wasnt 3mths as my friend said i would give up, it was 6mths, i was totally at d max, at d verge of giving up right there, that moment, wanting to take d next flight home n give up wat iv been here for in d 1st place . i forgot all those feelings n how excited i was when d flight was confirm from KL to LA on the 17th december . i forgot how happy i was when i was accepted by college . i forgot about d sense of belonging at d beach with d ballers joking around n playing ball while the waves hit d rocks . i forgot that not many ppl get to enjoy this chance of being able to b here n having the chance to change the route of their life . i guess in life . its all about d adrenaline . either is waking up in d morning n missing someone , getting to see that person on d same day, that is being in love . or either having something to look fwd to . enjoyment, plans . even not being in love . u still can have that adrenaline . sometimes it doesnt appear in ur face , sometimes u have to look for it . even at times u have to create it . create something to look fwd to . to have something to wake up to, to have something to live for . u have to paint n create d colors n d sparks urself sometimes .


of all times, when d mother of all depression hits, somebody from d beach called up n said wanna go for a movie . a colombian named salbador . a great ball player , hangs out at d beach everyday . been in the states for 7yrs . never been home . i told him abt how i felt that day . his always d sarcastic guy n was impossible for him to understand how i felt . missing d food n ppl back home . to my suprise , he totally understand . he said , ppl change, time changes ppl . it will never b d same . missing home n stuff like dat for d 1st 6mths is totally normal . all i have to do is get something to occupied myself . Los Angeles, d city of angels? i havent seen any angels dat can save me yet, but i see alot of ppl just like me . i guess this a metro aint it . tons of ppl not from california dat is from all over, trying to make smth out of themselves, far fr0m d comfort of their home . nobody said it was gonna b easy, nobody said it was gonna be fair

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33 thoughts on “”

  1. six months is a short time for complete readjustment. give it some time. like you said, happiness doesn’t come look for you…you have to go find it.hope u feel better soon.

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  2. depression is part and parcel of life. even someone like albert einstein got so depressed and felt he was ‘so lonely’ even though he was so famous. it happens. it’s just how you’re able to cope. do something to get yourself occupied. and sometimes when you’re feeling down, all you need is a time out. don’t you dare give up…you’ve worked hard to be where you are. live it up, have fun, and strive for whatever you were reaching for. nothing is easy. eveything isn’t always fair as well. but if you’re optimistic, i’m sure you’re gonna do just fine. *hugzzz* step out of it! =) u’re able to do it.

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  3. Hey, why do you sound so depressed? I guess I haven’t been catching up with things going on with you lately…
    Well, I hope you’ll be fine soon. Shit happens in everyone’s life, including yours and mine. I have learned to be patient now and then, but there are times when the past keeps on coming back to me. There are 2 options in your life, after you realize one thing, whether or not you are able to change situation.
    If the situation is out of your control, then all you need to do is make your mind accept it and just learn to be patient..
    But if you can change the situation to make things better, then do it with all your effort…
    GUess that’s all I gotta say. Wish you good luck ok?
    ~ Maria ~

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  4. life’s a bitch ler…. one minute u’re okay..the next minute u feel like ure the only person left in this cruel world… everything will be ok man… just gip it some more time.. yeah…wat ur fren said is so true… just try to keep urself occupied.. its the best way to get rid of the downs… take k man…. keep it up =)

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  5. *hugz* Hey chin up. Don’t think too much and dwell on the negative side of things. Happiness comes from within you. It can’t come from anywhere else and if it does, it doesn’t last for very long. If you ever need someone to listen, drop by my blog and email me okay? Take care of yourself and I hope that you will feel better soon.

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  6. kindda busy with my studies nowadays..so no time to read other people’s blog..under your request..I’ll give you 2 eprops! lolx… anyways, as time goes by you’ll learn greater things in life. 🙂 Good luck.

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  7. that tendency towards depression just make us want to sink into ourselves and stop seeing the reality of the world around us..i’ve been there. many been there.
    try to keep yourself occupied it really works but as in how you gotta figure it out and create it yourself heh.by the end of the day, you’ll be much too busy to let those feelings get you down.
    anything but dont languish in it anymore, you know it wont go away.

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  8. It will take time not only time but with the positive feeling u 1st step into tht flight from KL.. 6 months of home sick is normal, it took me more than a year to overcome tht feeling u had (tryin to give up)… ur fren is rite it take time and time will changes us.. i’m not the old me anymore.. 

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  9. i was born in seremban (if you know where that is). moved here when i was 10.davis is near sacramento. u know there’s ucla, ucberkeley…i’m at ucdavis.

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  10. Hey Marvin! Omg, im sorry to hear! I hope u feel better! Being depressed is really hard….life can throw u curve balls…hang in there, Marvin! Much love!
    //Pola

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  11. Hey buddy,
    hmmm, everyone do have a breakdown at some time, but know what? when we drop to the deepest, we’ll be climbing up again slowly, so don worry, everything is going to be fine… Perhaps you might have to do like what your friend said, get your hours everyday occupied, painted with colours!
    A friend of mine from Johore, is here for 13 days, the 2nd day he already start saying, Kuching is bored, how can you keep yourself here everyday? i just said because i got things to do…. and i have DREAMS.
    Marv, you got to have a goal and dreams when you are in LA, something you can achieve it, and live everyday to achieve your dreams…. so you won’t have time to think about sadness or being depressed…. Action is the most important to achieve everything…. so, GO ENROL YOUR COLLEGE AND GET YOUR BUTT IN!!! Really! Stop thinking all those and do what you should do now, rather than doing the same routined things everyday which is sometimes uncertain…. k?
    I Hope it works for you, it’s not easy to live there alone, i knew this feeling before, so just got to do something about it… take good care buddy, alrite? Catch ya later.. 🙂
    *HUG*~~~

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  12. Oooo, wow, i wish i could go to Melrose and do window shopping with u. I saw Mr. and Mrs. Smith. It could be made into a cartoon. I wish it was more of a soap opera. haha… Anyway, u should consider buying something at the shops. I have a question: Have u lived in LA for a long time or did u live elsewhere? Well, later~
    //Pola

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  13. Hey marv… there’s always something much more better awaiting for u in the near future..its just a matter of time,be patient and im sure u’ll pull thru… hang on in there *hugggies* miss u heaps~

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  14. Oh no….i found ur site randomly through a friend….and I am in the exact same boat as you, and you’re telling me it can go up to 6 months. =( I’ve only been away from home almost 2 mths and it’s been so rollercoaster. My move was AUS-UK, and you’re so right about just wanting to jump on a plane and fly home cause you miss the food, the people, the easy lifestyle cause it was home. =( I knew it would be hard….and I have no words to explain the depression, the loneliness….Anyhow I hope you feel better cause then you will be the hope.

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  15. ryc:I’ve been here since 2nd of May, roughly almost 2 months. It is hard, too hard at times, where you’re used to just ringing them and being able to chat or go see them, now..you’re so out of your comfort zone that you wonder if it’s all worth it. And you’re right about ppl saying you’ll make new friends, but the old ones are the one that keep you sane cause they ‘know’ you.

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  16. To drive away a depression, you have to psych yourself as hard as you can … a lot of self talk helps!!! and remember one day you going to laugh as loud as you possibly can, so dun waste time being so unhappy .. life is really short!! Cheer up yar …

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  17. wei,tu mahu pergi LA….not then u understand how i used to say..”our home is always the best place to be…”
    neway,i dun wish to see u coming back to kch..which i know u wont…yeah…

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  18. hey… found ur blog through random surfing and decided to leave u a msg after reading this particular entry… well, i totally understand how u feel… but i guess u’ll just have to keep psychoing urself that you’ll get out of this rut soon and try to occupy urself with new friends and activities… and like u’ve mentioned urself: nobody said it was gonna b easy, so dun get upset that u r feeling the way u r now even though it has already been 6 months… give urself time… and never deal with this alone… nobody should have to deal with this alone… glad to hear that u’ve shared with ur feelings with a fren even though u thought he may not be able to understand how u feel… sometimes u just need to speak to someone and u’ll feel much better after that… and it’s lucky that ur fren did manage to give u some helpful advice…i hope this is going to make u feel better: i am in fact in a worse situation… i’ve being studying abroad, away from my family, for almost 3 years (I go home once a year) yet i sometimes still have the urge to give up everything i’ve work for so far and just catch a plane to go home… and it seriously doesn’t help when ALL my “new” frenz here have moved on (they’ve found new frenz, found new things to do, got attached etc) and i’m sort of left alone now… i’ve lost interest in my studies and my grades are getting worse as each semester passes by… i feel really down sometimes… BUT life still goes on… we’ll just have to find some way to deal with our emotions and not let it wreck us… erhm maybe i’m not so much of a good example cuz i sort of screwed up my studies… just remember that u’re here for a purpose and u’re going to achieve that and not let ur emotios stand in ur way… also, there’re many people who r like u (away from their family and frenz and feeling homesick) but they still managed to not fall into depression… if so many people can do it, so can u… it’s not gonna be easy but it’s not impossible… and always remember that u’re not alone…cheer up! =)

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  19. the city of angels will never be a city of angels if u dun believe in it.. get what i mean? u need to be happy man! take it easy! for me.. i dun ve to go to LA to be in the city of angels.. all i have to do is to be at a place i love to be at.. where i am HAPPY.. that’s my city of angel..dun you ever think that u r left alone.. when u r sufferin depression.. consult ur friends.. have a drink or something.. and even BLOG 😛 xanga’s full of nice ppl.. keke.. so express urself here.. and get words of comfort here. hope u r feeling better.. dun worry.. ur depressions are only a small obstacle in ur life towards success.. remember.. it’s only a small PEANUT.. it depends on how u see it… so take it easy kay.. think positively! everything happen for a reason! i believe in that.. even u think it aint fair now.. it might be something to make u think or learn.. i may sound naive.. but that’s the only way for u to handle it optimistically ya? be happy! that’s the most important thing in life..:)aikss.. me flooding ur comment wey.. kekeke.. sorry.. been rather talkative lately. 😛

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  20. depression is part and parcel of life. even someone like albert einstein got so depressed and felt he was ‘so lonely’ even though he was so famous. it happens. it’s just how you’re able to cope. do something to get yourself occupied. and sometimes when you’re feeling down, all you need is a time out. don’t you dare give up…you’ve worked hard to be where you are. live it up, have fun, and strive for whatever you were reaching for. nothing is easy. eveything isn’t always fair as well. but if you’re optimistic, i’m sure you’re gonna do just fine. *hugzzz* step out of it! =) u’re able to do it.

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  21. By the time I give this comment,you should be feelin better and more positive when you look at the things around you.Stay that way yah!Just hang on there…it aint gonna give u any harm for tryin,for pushin yourself further to achieve something in your life.As long as it has a positive impact on your life,it’s worth a try.^^
    And heys,you finally got your hair braided.New look huh?haha..makes you look even darker though,or is it that you’ve been under the sun too much these days?Anyway,take good care now..and have a great time with ur new look!
    Stay tough ya..be the coffeebean~

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  22. hey marvin… we fall into depression so easily but to pull ourselves out of it, it takes a lot of patience and a lot of time, also a lot of friends. and urself. so hugs, let ur friends be ur comfort because from what i can see from the comments, there’re so many of ur good friends who care. enjoy and go with the flow.

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  23. ya…life isn’t fair most of the time and sometimes u gotta fake some feelings till it becomes real…i’m not sure if that’s the right thing to do but that’s how i am when i’m upset…just trying to find the “positive” thing in life. Yeah, you were really happy+excited back then when you were leaving Kch but don’t have regrets, cuz you have so much to see there in LA. Take care~

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